if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
