I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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