Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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