Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
