Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
