how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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