TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
