I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How does one acquire holy water?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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