ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
