She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
