Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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