We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
