when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
being pregnant is like rehab
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
