I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
