Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
