I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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