May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
