You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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