Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
