I will die if light touches me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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