The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
