he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
