im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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