I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
