Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
