My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have post one night stand depression
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