Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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