We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
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yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.