My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.