I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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