Soap is not a condiment
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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