don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
