I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All the doctor said was why
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
