Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
