i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
