Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
