Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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