ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
