i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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