I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
