he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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