Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
and you fell through a lawn chair
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
