i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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