I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can't turn off my feet"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
