as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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