i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
