Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
