So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
