I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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