I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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