just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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