Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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