If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
