Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
